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The Deck Box Affair
By Bricklock Holmes The scent is fresh. Male. Approximately three ounces in weight. Well-fed. Nervous. Smells of discarded peanut. Old nemesis. His mistake: lingering too long in my Spotland Yard. Reluctantly, I enlist the help of my sidekick, Chief Inspector Thumbs. I’ve frequently made clear my genius, but I am cursed with nothing but legs. I require the physical capabilities…
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Lunch with a Ringwraith
For all of their lives I have used my midday work break to go home and let the dogs out. I have one hour to travel the 11 miles to Mordor and back, dodging feral Teslas on autopilot like they’re the orcs of Sauron. If I’m lucky, the goblins of Moria go right out to potty without tossing a sword…
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Ode to a Fridge
Was feeling a little blue… my first ever appliance purchase died. I was on a tight budget when I bought the house and had to look for coupons and sales to get through the list. Learned after the fact that Samsung is notoriously terrible, but I scored a deal at an outlet that made it worthwhile. For twelve years; Samsung…
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Parking Lot Theatre
At my place of employment, our suite is second from the end of a row of fourteen units. For months now I’ve been trying to avoid this Lexus SUV that insists on parking backwards. There is no reason for it. No, none! He always parks next to me—too close—and since he backs in, I’m always at risk of smacking his…
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The Plotz Thickens
Way back, in the ‘80s, everyone walked home from school; the soft-footed kids of today just don’t know… My walk home included crossing a pretty busy street. There was a crosswalk, and I did use it, but you really felt what that frog was going through trying to get to the other side before a log squished you! There are…
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Foxtails; Detri-mental health
Earlier this evening, I took John and Yoko for a post-dinner stroll. We didn’t make it one house length before Dumb and Dumber plunged their pilfering faces into a cluster of dead weeds. Almost instantly, Brick started sneezing. violently. spraying everything in a ten-snoot radius with blood spatter. After an hour, my parental panic took precedence, and I rushed him…
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An Old Prompt
I have some kind of [undiagnosed] mental disorder that requires me to save things obsessively. Since the passing of my father, I have been reading old emails. In ~2008 I was taking a creative writing class at the local community college and would send all of my assignments to my dad to proofread. Though I don’t now recall the prompt,…
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First Kiss
I don’t know how things are now, when my nieces were starting school in the early 00’s they had homework from day one, including kindergarten. When I was in kindergarten, you had to be a good napper, good at using the potty without help, good at eating snacks and being quiet at story time. I’d like to tell you I…
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The Great Fence Project
I sat on the patio yesterday in uncomfortable outdoor temps, attempting this rant on my phone with my thumbs, I didn’t finish. Today my hands are chapped and itchy from sitting in the cold, but I’m still annoyed and must complete this, thankfully from the comfort of my cubicle! I am in a unique position because Boyfriend is a general…
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The House of Happypants 