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The Domestic Ambush
Thirty years ago I sustained minor injuries trying to break up a fight. I walked into the living room to see my step-brother about to take a swing on my dad. I grabbed him and jerked him backwards. For a 22-year-old female, I was pretty strong (I frequently helped out with shipping 50-pound boxes at work and had horses, with…
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8th Grade Sushi Sensei
Do you remember when new trends hit? Like guacamole. Or ranch dressing. My dad was always foodventerous, so he’d bring these exciting edible finds home to share. In junior high, it was sushi. I’d have been 12–13. I don’t know how Dad dadded, but he figured out the construction of a California roll, bought the mat, the sheets of seaweed—and…
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The Accidental Gladiator
My hands are still shaking from the shock. They shouldn’t be. My dogs are hunting dogs. This used to happen all the time. The activity has reduced because they are older, slower. I hesitate to write, only because I see the swarms of animal lovers all over the internet. And to be clear, I am one of them. But there are no…
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NA – Narcissists Anonymous
If you’ve ever cut contact with a parent and then realized the relationship didn’t actually end, it just went underground, this one’s for you. Dark humor, emotional rakes, and the deeply unreasonable desire for an apology without a “butt.” Content note: mentions abuse and violence.
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It’s Probably Nothing
Social Media has been around a while now, but it seems over the last couple years there’s been a surge in … I hesitate to use the word “diagnostics” because I doubt the majority are clinical, maybe we’ll use the generic blanket “discussions” of assorted conditions. Through these posts I’ve learned that not everyone sees splotches of color when they…
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A War with the Roses
From a distance, roses are marvelous. Adopt one and you have a pet crocodile that guarantees a full body workout and bloodletting.
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Patent Pending: The Bee-Have
Ever have a dream where you develop a multi-million-dollar idea and you can’t wake up because you need to make it a success? It started in Joann. I was at the cutting counter, and someone set their kid down to run the store. It was modeled like one of those old fabric shops — aisles of fabric, enormous cutting table…
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The Night I Became a Barroom Legend
“I wish I could’ve done that! That guy’s a menace!” the bartender said. He set a fresh bottle of ice-cold Coors Light in front of me, adding, “This one’s on me!” I said “thanks” and smiled awkwardly, sitting alone in the corner next to the popcorn machine, whose level never noticeably changed but always seemed to be popping. I wasn’t…
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Little 7-11 on the Prairie
From my cranial archives, filed under “WTF just happened?!” I was on my way home from work and stopped at 7-11 to grab a pack of cigarettes. Yes, lung-blackening, life-shortening tobacco. To you, perhaps, that’s the “WTF,” but wait, it gets better. This was a long time ago. You, my emphysema free reader, may not understand, but just after horse…
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Ode to a Fridge
Was feeling a little blue… my first ever appliance purchase died. I was on a tight budget when I bought the house and had to look for coupons and sales to get through the list. Learned after the fact that Samsung is notoriously terrible, but I scored a deal at an outlet that made it worthwhile. For twelve years; Samsung…
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The House of Happypants 