This morning started as every other morning; I get up, potty and feed dogs, get in the shower.  Things took a turn somewhere between shampooing and conditioning. I get out of the shower and, wrapped in a towel, head towards the room where my clothes live. I happen to glance out the window and see Boyfriend, still clad in his sleepwear, pointing a pellet gun at one of the junipers. I pause and debate whether I should:  run out there, put clothes on and then run out there, or pretend I didn’t see anything. Sometimes ignorance IS the answer, but no, I’m too dumb for that so I head to the back door just as boyfriend enters. “What the hell are you doing?” I ask, surprisingly calm. “There’s a raccoon in the tree.” he says. I stare, waiting for him to continue, he does not, I prompt him with “AND?” His defense is that the raccoon might attack him.  I explain to him that if he were to be in the house, with the door closed, it would reduce his chance of getting attacked.  

Now I’m late so I drip my way back to the bedroom to finish getting ready for work.  I walk out of the closet, look out the window just as a raccoon falls out of the juniper, followed by the dogs giving their scores on the dismount. Now I debate on: running out there, just yelling at everyone from the bedroom or, the most appealing option, c) get back in bed. No luck, today is in office, Maybe has a UTI and must be pottied, Brick must be number two’d before he’s locked up for the day.

Boyfriend was yelling – when I saying “yelling” I don’t want you to think he was angry at me, he was simply trying to be heard over the dogs barking – Anyway, he was trying to tell me that the dogs have to go out and there’s still a raccoon out there. I shrug and tell him to get on with his day.  He teases that Maybe has no recall, she never listens, something about her mother, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.  I told Maybe to get in her crate, flipped her latch.  Grabbed Brick’s leash and clipped it on him, told him “We are going to potty – that’s all, you stay with mom!”  Took Brick out, walked over the raccoon trail, which he happily sniffered, he peed, I led him back to where the raccoon plunked, let him sniffer, took him back to his room, shoulder still attached. 

Hiked back to the family room and told Maybe we are taking a potty break, “I am VERY late for work, no shenanigans!” I flung her door open and followed her out back.  With her hair up she did a galloping lap around the yard – she looks almost majestically horse-like the way she glides effortlessly, such speed and grace, if horses had teeth and were looking for something to bite, that is. She headed to the base of the tree and I gave her an “AH AH!” so she hooked a left, did another half lap to stop where she could watch the top of the tree while peeing. Again she attempted to get closer, to which I calmly reminded her by screaming “LEAVE IT ALONE!” Obediently she ran to the furthest most grassy spot to finish her “business” then a sprint for the finish line, right back in the house. 

One raccoon went over the back fence, one over the front fence, the tree was still moving so there may be babies.  No idea where Boyfriend went off to, but at least the bitey two listen. 

When I got to work, I went straight to HR’s office and said “sorry! Raccoons have joined the circus!” because I’ve been late a lot lately and it always seems to be – in one way or other – the dogs’ fault.  She laughed and replied “Remember that time I had raccoons?” After a quick flip through my mental index cards, puzzled I said “No, you had squirrels.” 

She laughed harder and said “I know! and they sprayed my dog and he smelled so bad!”

“That was a skunk.” I corrected, fighting laughter.

She paused thoughtfully then asked “Which one goes ‘who who?’”

 Working with people who grew up in a densely populated metropolis and can’t identify common North American animals is a whole ‘nother circus, for another day.