This was how my face looked last Thursday.

Boyfriend and I hustled around the grocery store after work to get a handful of items and got to a checkout line with no wait. He puts everything on the belt and we start arguing over who is going to get the honor of paying. I’m in the zone, reciting the list of reasons, I’m on addendum b when a blond woman pops up behind us and interrupts with “Hi, excuse me, are you guys dog people? You look like dog people?” I turn, mostly confused as my brain is trying to process how we “look like dog people” and Boyfriend takes the opportunity to rush off and pay.

Completely unaware of the worms about to burst forth, I opened the can with “well, I have dogs, if that’s what you mean?” Seizing the worms like a robin on the first day of spring she starts blathering about her 1-year-old german shepherd that won’t eat his dinner and she’s not sure what kibble to buy that he’ll eat, but he does eat his breakfast because his breakfast is canned but what would I suggest she feed him for dinner? She talked so fast it made me dizzy and all I could think was “well I certainly wouldn’t feed him anything I find in the grocery store!” but instead I suggested she set a timer, when the timer goes off, remove the food. It was the method I used to train my finicky girl that insisted she eat when she wants to eat, however inconvenient that might be for me. The conversation continued, well, she continued as I tried to slowly inch my way to the end of the check stand. A week has passed but I don’t think I was able to record all that she said moments after she said it, I certainly don’t remember how I escaped, but I did. For a moment…

In the dark parking lot Boyfriend was loading the groceries into the back of my car while I’m apologizing for being a general inconvenience in life. He says “welp, it’s not over” and I promise for the hundredth time that I will try to escape talking dogs with strangers faster in the future, he chuckles and wishes me luck as he motions towards the blonde woman running through the parking lot in our direction. I stood there dumbfounded, as though that robin was making a desperate attempt to catch that last worm before it jumps into its suv and drives away. “Uhm, yea?” I manage as she stops in front of me, totally out of breath, so at least I’ve got a chance of making a clean break if she does attack me. She starts rattling off behavior questions and says “since you mentioned you have hunting dogs, I bet you know how to handle german shepherds, too!” Pretty sure I’m about to be murdered in a dark parking lot on a week night, I tell her I really don’t, I just get by on luck and boiled chicken and I recommend she call a trainer.

I told Boyfriend to drive home the long way, “just in case.”

But let this be a lesson to you to always, Always! lint roll your butt before you go out in public!!