I don’t hand out candy.  First, and most importantly, I have a very sensitive dog.  He doesn’t like kids (I think they confuse him) and to have them shrieking through the night is almost as unsettling as the fireworks on the 4^th of July.  It is kind of understandable;  you go about your average day; a car honk here and there, nothing really of note.  Then out of nowhere the noises just surround you, booms and blasts, the house shakes…  yea. I get it. Add unpredictable noises to costumes with an onslaught of strangers approaching the front door?  It’d be a nightmare all right.

Other dog, Maybe… she is something of a mischievous thing, she loves games – games that she invents!  On Halloween I dream of throwing open the door wide and letting her run free!  I’d totally have to clip a gopro to her though!  See, she knows that two leggers are at a disadvantage having to motor through life balanced precariously on those two sticks.  She also knows how vulnerable the human knee is.  My boyfriend is 6’4” and the smile on her face as she runs laps around him after taking him to the ground… her joy is priceless.  She’s done it to me – but I usually know it’s coming and have only gone down once. She has done it to my six nieces, repeatedly! One night she just kept running circles taking them down. As soon as one would make it to her feet, she’d again be shoulder checked in the knee pit.  When the youngest was about 3, she hit so hard she went one way and her shoes went the other.  Thankfully her wet pants were from laughing too hard.  Their father doesn’t find me, or my dogs, amusing.

For a while I had considered doing the “Honor System” bowl of candy on the porch with a note taped to the front door, but there isn’t much honor among children.  If I’m being honest, there are a lot of shitty little kids on my block.  Last year through the Ring doorbell I watched as one little brat stood on my dark porch, beating on my door, yelling “I know you’re in there!” while his feeder stood on the sidewalk watching.  It was really hard for me to not react. Really really really hard. 

It might be fun though, someday before I’m so old I’m brittle, to sit high up in the Magnolia tree with the candy bowl on the porch. Anyone, child or otherwise, who didn’t perform with honor gets smacked with a water balloon. Or a bag of fleas. I’d have to find out which my homeowners would cover, I guess.